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Can you tell right away which couples will break up?

No. I usually tell couples that by our third session together, we should have a good idea of whether they’re unequivocally committed to either mending or terminating the relationship. It is very difficult to do couples therapy if one or both participants have one foot in and the other out. We also have to determine if one or both participants can fully overcome the partner’s subjective wrongdoings. They can’t use those things to throw in one another’s face or to serve as the foundation for residual anger down the road. This can be difficult because while most people feel they are capable of letting go, it is extremely hard to not hold a grudge. I try to remind my clients that it does not make them a bad person if they cannot forgive transgressions; it is just who they are. It’s better to be honest about it.

What is considered relationship “success” in couple’s therapy?

A couple’s ability to stay together is as much of a crapshoot as anything. Circumstances and environments are constantly changing but people, more or less, remain who they are. In couples therapy, you’ll often find short-term success paired with long-term regression. For example, one couple I saw regularly was in flux over an affair the man had with a co-worker while they were away on business. The wife thought she could bury his affair and learn to trust him again. They were beginning to piece it back together until he began working long hours and traveling again. The circumstances were similar to when he had his affair, and she began to lose trust in him. She started treating him as if he were having another affair, even though there wasn’t really any evidence to substantiate her notion. She became accusatory and unpleasant, and he started to feel as if she would treat him the same regardless of his behavior. It became evident that she could not bury the past, and the relationship soon fell apart.

It should be noted, though, that success is not defined as staying together: A definitive plan to split with an examination of all involved factors can cleanse a couple of the stress causing their discord.

Can a relationship survive if there is physical abuse?

Absolutely. It may not be a textbook/fairytale relationship, but it can function. Physical abuse can be defined along the lines of a continuum and is far more prevalent than you may think. The intimidation component is far more common than the actual physical abuse itself.

You need to understand that humans are fucked up creatures. It’s very difficult for anyone to change. Abuse is cyclical in nature, meaning we often repeat what we have seen or endured through perpetration or victimization later in life. A child who is witness to or the victim of consistent abuse may not take on the behavioral patterns as an adult, but he or she still knows the process like the back of their hand. We engage in dysfunctional behavior even if we are aware of its effects because it is comfortable.

I once had a female patient who grew up with an alcoholic father. Both she and her mother were regularly physically abused. In session she could articulate all of the effects and her own dislike of the abuse, but when it came to dating she chose abusive men because it was what she knew. She also felt that if a boyfriend did not become physical or enraged with her, it meant that she was not important enough to him. The abuse was so extreme that one boyfriend made her remove her panties every time she came home from work so he could examine them for stains and smells. For a lot of people, chaos is comfort.

I had a middle-aged female patient who would tell me that her husband would not hit her if dinner was waiting for him when he came home from work, or that she was to blame for all of his failed job opportunities and that she deserved to be hit. If victims are in enough fear, are tied-in enough financially, or have enough family or social pressure on them, the relationship can last a lifetime. This is not one-sided or gender-specific, either, because abuse does occur female-to-male—but with less frequency and potential for physical damage. I once saw a couple where the male had a prior conviction for aggravated assault, but his wife did not. She was the violent one in the relationship and would regularly attack him because she knew he would never hit her and that, if he did, the authorities would blame him as perpetrator and instigator due to his prior history. It changed the balance of power in the relationship and he became a man who did everything in his power to acquiesce her whether she was right or wrong.

Does a great sex life with your partner mean the relationship is more likely to survive?

Sorry to burst everyone’s bubble, but I would have to say no. In my professional experience, a good sex life is directly tied into emotional connectedness. In fact, I would have to say that in three-quarters of all infidelity cases that I have seen, emotional detachment served as the catalyst. I think that good sex can keep a relationship together, but can’t make it function at any sort of meaningful level. I feel that intimacy—i.e. kissing, cuddling, or any proximal form of contact—is way more important than sex.

Understand the realities: First, sex slows down when you have kids, in both frequency and intensity due to the physical and communicative demands the kids place on a relationship. I saw a couple once where the guy said that as newlyweds he and his wife would have sex everyday—anal, too—and it was so intense she was trying to fit his cock and balls in her mouth simultaneously. They had kids. He logged more hours at the office due to their financial needs; she was exhausted from taking care of the kids all day; they spent less time together, and sex dropped to once a week. Often times, she would make him get himself hard because foreplay was too much effort. Combine that fatigue with the fact that she had two kids and was feeling far less confident about her figure. The busier you are, the more time you need to yourself for decompression.

Second, the old saying, “familiarity breeds contempt,” tends to hold true. The more you know someone and their habits, the less sexy they become. There is an inherent seduction in the unknown; the possibility of what could be is always more fantastic then the reality. A professor of mine used to say that the best sex you’ll ever have is in your head because no one person will be able to accommodate all of the fantasies and scenarios that you’ve conceived in your head over time.

Then what are the priorities in a good relationship?

I put a good sex life behind things like philosophical alignment in financial security, child discipline, trust, not allowing your insecurities to impose on your partner, job satisfaction, substance abuse, and most importantly, selflessness.

So are most marriages doomed to fail?

It is an archaic institution designed to expire concurrent with a woman’s childbearing years, just like in the olden days. The idea of two people changing together and—more importantly— accepting each others changes over a 50-year span is delusional unless that person is undeniably your best friend in the whole world. Ever.

Needs-based relationships are doomed to fail, as are ones based on potential instead of reality. And if you hold any secrets—past or current—from your partner, your relationship is doomed to fail. A relationship based on sex is doomed to fail. Good sex alone cannot carry a relationship. It is better to work well together than to fuck well together because once you stop working well together, the fucking takes a significant hit. When time, benevolence, mystery, and positive communication decrease within a relationship, the sex is sure to follow in direct proportion.

 Original Article: Gawker

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TMZ says Houston died at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, where they spotted a police crime lab.  TMZ also stated that police arrived to the scene within minutes and fire department was already there on another call. According to their sources, paramedics performed CPR but it did not work and she was pronounced dead at 3:55 PM.

They also state there were no signs of foul play. We’re told she was ID’ed by family and friends. Various sources have confirmed that Houston’s bodyguard found her in her Beverly Hilton hotel room.

Sources: Gawker & AP

The new restaurant, which continues to have historical ties to the inventor of the sandwich, the Sandwich family, will be located adjacent to AMC Theatres. Signature hot sandwiches will be available including The Original 1762, a sandwich of freshly roasted beef, sharp cheddar and creamy horseradish sauce all on freshly baked artisan bread. Soups, salads, wraps and desserts also are on the menu. Earl of Sandwich offers a vast array of hot and cold beverages including The Earl’s Grey Lemonade. Breakfast sandwiches and pastries will be available in the morning and a variety of catering options will be offered at this location.

This will be the only Earl of Sandwich in California and it is sure to be a favorite among our guests as it has been at the Walt Disney World Resort and Disneyland Paris.

Source: Disneyland Blog

Well, that’s according to a new study conducted by WebMD after they surveyed more than 2,200 college psychology class students regarding their texting frequency. Rather than focusing on spiritual or moral goals, its looks like teens and young adults that text extensively, like those that dish out more than 300 messages per day, are more likely to exhibit the qualities of being shallow.

University of Winnipeg associate professor of psychology, Paul Trapnell, said, “Heavy texters do seem to be a little more materialistic and less concerned about inward growth.” That’s hardly a surprise to some people out there, as they argue that connected media actually makes them more disconnected than anything else.

Heck, just take a quick look at the hit teen movie “Clueless” from the mid-90s that starred none other than Alicia Silverstone as Miss Superficial herself. Even back then, it seems that the cell phone affected young adults on the verge of full blown adulthood.

Well, if you happen to know someone that fits this category, maybe it’s time you sit down and given them that good old talk? And you never know, you might be able to change them and bring them back to their good-natured ways of yesterday

Sources: Phone Arena & WebMD

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